08 August 2006

Serious malfunctions

I should like to make it absolutely clear that I am very much against swearing – and only resort to it, on a purely private and personal basis, when I feel it necessary.

‘Yo Blair!’ said George Bush to his poodle Tony at the recent G8 Summit. He then followed with the (deeply shocking) S word with special reference to excremental supplies from Syria.

I hope his many followers were not too disturbed and that George has asked forgiveness of whoever he talks to when forgiveness and guidance are required. Clearly it was a malfunction.

A more memorable malfunction occurred at the Super Bowl in 2004 when the gyrating pop star Janet Jackson lost control of her apparel, and part of her anatomy made a fleeting public appearance. America was deeply traumatised, Britain was indifferent and the French nearly died laughing.

Following the subsequent ‘Nipplegate Investigation’ by the FCC (the Federal Communications Commission) the TV companies involved were fined $500,000. Meanwhile Janet was issuing a series of grovelling apologies and explanations. It was, she claimed, a malfunction. I sympathise with you Janet. These things are happening all the time.

I can report however that the American porn film industry, the biggest in the world, was not adversely affected.

Currently, the documentary film-maker Ken Burns is also running into trouble with the FCC over his film about the US Army in action, not because of its scenes of death and destruction but because soldiers are heard swearing. Burns has a beard, so is clearly an extremist.

Readers will already be aware that I am not absolutely at one with the British Countryside Alliance in its fight to preserve foxhunting.

Commendably however, it produced a series of posters, T-shirts and badges (seen fitfully on television) with the slogan ‘Horlicks to Blair’. Well it wasn’t actually Horlicks – it was much more alliterative to go with ‘Blair’– but I want to avoid this esteemed newspaper being fined $500,000. And besides, I have a beard.

At the Midlands Game Fair young Charlotte Denis was sporting a T-shirt bearing the said slogan and was arrested. The Police said the slogan was offensive. The young lady offered to remove her T-shirt but that opened issues of the Janet Jackson variety so she agreed to wear a coat. She was therefore released without charge. No action was taken against the giant posters.

Ms Denis had bought her T-shirt at the very posh Badminton Horse Trials a year earlier. ‘Horlicks to Blair’ merchandise, according to the manufacturers, ‘has been popular with all ages’ and they claim that some police officers wear the T-shirts under their uniforms.

Which just goes to show how the evil axis of global anti-democracy is lunging at the very breast of Western decency.

Oh dear. Have I said something offensive?

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home